


lost in that last goodbye

by waterybrains



Series: There’s Still A Light In The House [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, F/F, basically an excuse to write a fic about The Ring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:21:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21564433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterybrains/pseuds/waterybrains
Summary: Vanessa had said that they were over. That they were done. Yet here she stands with Charity’s ring still on her finger, and she wishes she could pretend it means nothing but she can’t because it means something.It has to.orMissing scene between Friday, 15th November and tuesday, 18th November.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Series: There’s Still A Light In The House [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554151
Comments: 15
Kudos: 78





	lost in that last goodbye

Moses won’t let Charity out of his sight. 

He’s followed her around like a bad smell all week, and Charity wouldn’t mind it at all if it didn’t worry her to no end that her normally curious, independent and exuberant little boy seems so traumatized after everything that’s happened to him recently. 

It’s taken everything in her to take the high road and not beat the living daylights out of Cain everytime she sees his face, to not scream and shout at Chas everytime she so much as catches a glimpse of her, to not lamp Aaron every time he’s in the Woolpack.

It’s taken everything in her to turn away from them instead, ignore them and shut them out and not revert to her old habits, not use her words as knives or take an eye for an eye. She’d made a promise to herself the night she walked away from Tug Ghyll that just because the only person who’s ever believed in her doesn’t anymore, doesn’t mean she should go back to her old ways.

_Because now, there’s a voice in her head that tells her she’s better than that._

(She knows it’s Vanessa’s voice, but she doesn’t acknowledge that it’s hers. Won’t. 

_Can’t_.)

After all, Moses clearly needs her now more than ever, and she can’t be a proper mum to him if she’s just an angry shell of herself - and she knows Moses hasn’t really _lost Vanessa,_ but to him, Vanessa’s absence this week on top of everything else probably feels a bit confusing - so Charity has to make sure that he’s not losing her too. Her little boy deserves the best version of herself she can be. So the best version of herself she will be. For him. 

(She doesn’t think about the way Moses asked for Vanessa the other night when he woke himself up from another one of the nightmares that hasn’t left him since he was taken and brought back because it’s too hard to think about how that’s another one of her kids she’s somehow managed to screw up. That that’s another one of her kids that’s had to suffer the consequences of her mistakes.)

She’s just gotten him down for his nap - the poor kid had finally tired himself out from an hour long tantrum - when she hears a knock on her front door. She waits a beat to see if anyone else is around to open it, and when she doesn’t hear any movement she carefully extracts herself away from her sleeping son and tiptoes out his bedroom before closing the door gently as to not wake him. 

When she unlocks the door to see Vanessa on the other side of it, all the air is knocked out of her lungs.

There’s a sadness in her eyes that’s been there since Frank died but she still looks devastatingly beautiful, and Charity does her best to suppress the way her heart flutters and the way her palms start to sweat when they make eye contact. Vanessa seems just as surprised to see Charity standing in front of her, and between her double shifts and running around after the kids all week Charity realizes she’s _forgotten_ that she told Vanessa to come over today. 

She crosses her fingers and inhales sharply, hoping that Vanessa doesn’t think this is another one of the lies Charity’s deliberately told. Because it isn’t. It’s a simple and honest mistake. 

“I’m so sorry,” Charity starts, stepping aside to let Vanessa into the home they used to share, “I completely forgot I told you to come ‘round today.”

Vanessa flashes her a tight lipped smile and doesn’t say anything as she walks into Jacob’s Fold. Charity closes the door behind them and takes the opportunity to watch Vanessa while her back’s still turned. She stands there and observes as Vanessa scans the walls, undoubtedly trying to see if there are any noticeable differences after less than a week apart. It breaks her heart that Vanessa looks like she feels so out of place in a place that used to be their home.

Charity steps around Vanessa, wordlessly urging her to step further into their front room. She suddenly feels incredibly nervous and _not in a good way._

“I’m sorry,” she repeats tentatively, “I really did forget, I hope you didn’t think I was lying, or-”

“It’s fine, Charity,” Vanessa replies abruptly, and they both flinch at how harsh her voice sounds before Vanessa’s expression softens and she continues, “It’s not the first time you’ve skived off work to see me, is it….” 

The joke falls flat, and Charity knows Vanessa doesn’t mean it to be hurtful but she can’t deny the fact that it stings. She lets out a laugh anyway (it sounds more like a scoff) and it works. It releases a little bit of the tension between them. 

“I got Matty to cover, Noah called and asked me to come home because Moses wouldn’t stop crying and he just couldn’t get him to settle so, anyway, I forgot you were-”

“Is he alright?” Vanessa interrupts, furrowing her brows, a look of concern appearing on her face, and Charity wishes she could try and comfort Vanessa, gather her up in her arms and tell her that Moses is going to be okay because he’s got them both and that she won’t ever let anything like that happen to him again - but she can't, because it’s not her place anymore (and Vanessa probably doesn’t want comfort from _her_ anyway _,_ Charity thinks). She’s absolutely sure that the last thing Vanessa needs is for her to make new promises she can’t keep. 

“He’s just been having a bit of trouble since he was-” Charity can’t bring herself to say it, “since last week, and he’s been needier than usual. I just got him down for his nap actually, so I can stay down here or I can leave you to it and get out of your hair while you grab your things,” She knows she’s rambling now, but she can’t stop, “I actually managed to get him to sleep in his own bed for once so you should be able to grab your stuff without waking him, and I can call Noah home if you need a hand, I’d offer but-”

“Charity,” Vanessa cuts her off, pausing like she has something she needs to get off her chest, but she just shakes her head before she continues, “I’ll just be upstairs.”

“Do you want me to go? You can text me when you’re done and I’ll-”

“No, stay, I won’t be long and I don’t want to put you out.” 

Vanessa doesn’t wait for Charity to answer and Charity is helpless to do anything but watch Vanessa disappear. Upstairs, in _their_ bedroom, clearing out her things. 

(Charity can’t think about how final it all is, because despite everything she can’t deny she’s still hopeful. That there’s a part of her that’s _certain_ that she’ll spend the rest of her life loving Vanessa. She just never considered the possibility that her love would be something Vanessa wouldn’t want anymore.) 

She’s still stuck in her own thoughts when Vanessa emerges downstairs an hour later, releasing Charity out of the prison that is her own mind. She’s holding two bags that barely zip up, and Charity has to hold herself back from laughing at the tragic fact that after two years, after everything they’ve been through, all Vanessa needs to start removing herself from Charity’s life equals the sum total of two bags.

“I think I’ve got everything I need for now,” Vanessa announces, looking a bit like she doesn’t know what to do next, “So Uh- I’ll leave you to it.”

“Do you want a brew?” Charity asks on impulse, suddenly desperate for Vanessa to stay, to not walk out the door, for the gnawing in her chest at the finality of the situation to go away. 

_Maybe if I can get her to stay for a cup of tea,_ Charity thinks to herself, _Just Maybe. Maybe I’ll get her to stay forever._

“That’s probably not a good idea.” Vanessa says, frowning and Charity’s face falls.

“Right.” Charity gulps.

“By the way, I’ll leave Johnny’s stuff here for now, he has everything he needs at Tracy’s and I didn’t want to wake Moses, and anyway, It’s probably best that we separate their stuff slowly - make it as smooth for them as possible, you know?”

Charity just nods, and Vanessa looks at her inquisitively before she continues. 

“I know we haven’t properly talked about the boys but when we last spoke, you said you wanted to see Johnny and I want to see Moses, so I’m assuming we’ll just take turns having them, if that’s what you want?”

 _It’s like a divorce, but without the marriage,_ and Charity wants to reply to Vanessa but the lump in her throat is so big that she doesn’t know if she can without bursting into tears, so she just nods numbly and lets Vanessa carry on. 

“I can drop Johnny off tomorrow, unless you want me to have them first? My schedule’s quite flexible this week so I can work with yours,” Vanessa says, looking at Charity who’s just standing in the kitchen, her hands fidgeting on the counter in front of her. Vanessa leaves a pause and when Charity doesn’t reply, she lets out an exasperated sigh. “Surely you have an opinion on the matter?” 

Charity still can’t bring herself to look at Vanessa, but she lets out a sigh and takes a deep breath before she answers, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears. 

“That all sounds fine, Ness. I can have them tomorrow if that’s okay with you. I’m uh - I’m working another double shift on Tuesday, so if I drop them off at nursery in the morning maybe you can pick them up?”

“That’s fine.”

Charity nods lamely, and she _finally_ looks at Vanessa. For a while Charity just stares at her, her mind running 100 miles an hour with a billion questions she wants to ask but she can’t bring herself to say - so she doesn’t. And she just _looks_ , takes in every single detail to try and memorize everything she can about Vanessa before she leaves again. That’s when her eyes drop down and she sees the ring still on Vanessa’s finger. 

And then she can’t look away. 

Because Vanessa had said that they were _over_. That they were **done**. 

Yet here she stands with Charity’s ring still on her finger, and she wishes she could pretend it means nothing but she can’t because it means _something_. It has to.

Because ever since Charity put that ring on Vanessa’s finger, it’s become something so important to the both of them. _It’s just a ring,_ they always joke, but they both know it’s so much more than that. It was a promise they had made to each other. A promise to have each other’s back no matter what, love each other despite what the world threw at them, a promise of _forever._

(Charity will never forget the look of pure joy on Vanessa’s face when she proposed, the way Vanessa’s eyes glistened with happy tears, the way her voice sounded when she choked out her answer to Charity’s question. She’ll never forget how Vanessa couldn’t stop admiring the ring for weeks after the proposal, how she used to laugh and call Vanessa a _big softie_ whenever she caught her doing this and Vanessa would just flash her grin with watery eyes and kiss her to shut her up. She’ll never forget the feel of the ring against her skin every time their fingers intertwine, or everytime Vanessa touches her with her left hand, how the stark contrast of the warmth of Vanessa’s hand and the cold of metal always makes her shudder. As silly as it sounds, the ring means a lot to both of them. _The ring meant a lot to both of them.)_

Charity isn’t sure how long she’d been staring at Vanessa’s hands but at this point she knows Vanessa has probably noticed, and her heart plummets when Vanessa brings her hands together. It’s almost as if the world moves in slow motion when Vanessa takes off her ring and steps towards Charity, her hands outstretched, the ring in the palm of her hand.

Charity instinctively jerks back. 

“Uh, I-, Um,” Vanessa glances down at the ring and bites her lip, and Charity can barely hear her over the ringing in her ears. She places her hands on the counter behind her to steady herself and she’s shaking her head violently, silently willing Vanessa to not do what she thinks she’s about to do. 

Vanessa gulps loudly, and when she speaks again Charity can hear the lump in Vanessa’s throat. “You should probably take this back.”

Charity can’t say anything (because she’s sure that if she tries to speak she will break, and she’s terrified she won’t be able to put herself back together if she does), so she keeps shaking her head and shifts her attention away from Vanessa to focus on her breathing instead. To will the tears away. 

“It’s not mine to keep,” Vanessa insists when Charity doesn’t say or do anything after a while, and she sounds so small. Charity’s helpless to do anything but stare and she watches as the first of Vanessa’s tears roll down her cheeks as she lets out a frustrated sigh. She uses her free hand to hastily wipe the hot tears away while her other hand - the one that’s holding the ring - closes into a fist.

Vanessa steps forward again.

“Just take it-”

“No.”

“Charity.”

“It’s yours, yeah?” Charity replies, and she surprises herself when her voice comes out steady, so she repeats herself, “It’s yours.” 

This time Vanessa’s the one shaking her head, and Charity takes a step towards her and tentatively reaches for Vanessa’s outstretched hand. When Vanessa doesn’t pull away, she turns Vanessa’s tightly clenched fist and gently works Vanessa’s fingers with her own until her palm is facing up and the ring is nestled safely in the middle of Vanessa’s hand. 

“I don’t care what you do with it, you don’t have to keep it if you don’t want to. Throw it away, give it to Tracy, pawn it off for all I care, but it’s yours, Ness. I’m not taking it back.” She says and she makes sure to look Vanessa dead in the eye, trying her best to convey everything she can’t say on her face.

(I love you. I miss you. _I’m Sorry.)_

She will do whatever Vanessa needs her to do to get them through this break up, but the one thing she will _not_ do is take the ring back, because it belongs to Vanessa. 

_(Her heart belongs to Vanessa)_

They stare at each other intensely, jaws clenched and tears shimmering in both their eyes, and for a while they both just stand there, neither of them letting each other’s hand go. After what feels like an eternity Vanessa’s the first one to break. She lets out a sigh and her shoulders drop as she steps back from Charity and finally pulls her hand away, and Charity would be gutted at the lost of contact if it weren’t for the overwhelming relief she feels when Vanessa’s hands close over the ring and she shoves it in the pocket of her jeans. 

They’re suddenly interrupted by the front door swinging open as Noah walks in, Sarah trailing behind him. Their loud chatter abruptly stops when they spot Vanessa standing in the living room, and not even Noah can hide the shock from his face when he sees that Charity and Vanessa are both in the room together. 

He looks between them, undoubtedly noting the tension in the room. If he sees the remnants of tears in Charity’s or Vanessa’s eyes he doesn’t say anything, but he shares a knowing look with Sarah before rolling his eyes.

“Should we come back later?” Noah asks. 

It breaks them both out of their trance. 

She shakes her head.

“No, no, I’ve got my things,” Vanessa says, picking up the bags she’d left somewhere on the floor earlier before turning to look at Noah, “While I’ve got you here - I was wondering if you could help me move the rest of mine and Johnny’s stuff some other day?”

Noah glances at Charity before he replies. “Course, I’ll let you know,” Noah says, suddenly looking nervous. He lowers his voice, “I’ll come round yours for my tea tomorrow?”

Vanessa nods, and Charity is transfixed at the interaction between the two of them. Noah, who fought tooth and nail against their relationship in the first place, who used to take every opportunity he could to push Vanessa away now standing here, agreeing to help Vanessa, inviting himself over for tea even after they’ve broken up. 

It breaks her heart and mends it at the same time. 

“Right then.” Noah says, looking back at Sarah, “We’ll be upstairs.”

“Don’t be too loud, Moses is asleep.” Charity says as the two teenagers disappear up the stairs. She doesn’t wait for their response before she turns her attention back to Vanessa. 

Vanessa who’s ready to leave. 

Vanessa who’s going to walk out on her. _Again._

“I’ll see you ‘round?” Charity asks, and it sounds more like a plea than a question. 

Vanessa narrows her eyes with warning.

Charity teases, “I do own the only pub in a ten mile radius, babe, and just between you and me, I think we both need a stiff drink.”

Vanessa doesn’t laugh.

“Sorry,” She says lamely, “Bad joke.” 

“It’s fine.” Vanessa says, and heads through the door with her bags in tow, giving Charity one last look before she starts walking towards Tug Ghyll, “Bye.”

Charity just watches as Vanessa walks away from her until she’s too far for her to see. She makes a mental note that Vanessa hadn’t looked back once, and she thinks that maybe this is it.

Maybe her trying to return the ring was a sign that they’re really over. Maybe it’s time to let go of the hope she knows still burns bright that they’ll somehow find their way back together. Maybe she should start learning how to live without Vanessa, figure out how to exist without feeling like she's lost a limb every time Vanessa’s not by her side. Maybe she should stop trying, stop believing that they’re perfect for each other, stop believing that they’re the love of each other’s lives. God knows it looks like Vanessa has. 

Maybe it’s time for her to give up on them too. 

**

(When Vanessa walks into the pub a few days later, Charity somehow says all the wrong things and manages to push Vanessa further away than she already has, but despite the familiar heartbreak washing over her when Vanessa walks out of the pub _again,_ the hopeful part inside of her takes over and fills her with a new determination to keep fighting for Vanessa, that maybe there is still a chance for them.

Because Charity’s ring is back on Vanessa’s finger. _Where it belongs_.)


End file.
